dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
there was a trapeze. enough said
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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