feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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