So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
