oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
