I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
