So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
