We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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