I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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