Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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