it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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