drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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