tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
