Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
