we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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