Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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