I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
