Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
