My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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