The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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