So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I look better un-naked...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
