I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
