My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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