Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize