he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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