Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
