I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
