there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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