It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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