He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
