there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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