I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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