Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
