I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
