why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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