Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
