she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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