I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
