Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize