I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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