I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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