I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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