i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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