I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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