If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
