I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
