if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
