woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
