my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
