Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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