Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
