Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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