we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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