I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
