I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
