sarcasm needs its own font
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
