the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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