how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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