Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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