My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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