Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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