My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
