I can tuck mytits in my pants
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
