Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
