I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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